fill in

maybe what I can do
is just fill in all my gaps and then
there will be so much of me
occupied
that it will feel quite similar to emptiness. Because I will
just be kind of forced to submit to the overload.
Maybe that is actually what I am subconsciously
trying to do. 'Cause emptying is so
hard. I like to be
occupied, only, on my terms
which,
of course,
doesn't actually
work. So I need to try a new approach.
Yes, maybe filling
up will help. And
just as soon as I
have said, "I need to
empty." See, occupation
is the
fear reflex.
Fear becomes a nervous twitch. I'm not a nervous person. So rushed
I am writing, rolling my toes over. Certain people elicit this in
me. Usually
they are not even trying to. I have to hold
my own power. I hold my own power. I hold my own
power. No-one else can take mine
from me (is that backwards?). I am holding my own power.
There is no submission. There is submission in resisting
submission: there is submission to trust.
I submit to
trust, I retain power.
I submit to myself, I retain myself.
I submit to trust; I retain power.
I submit to myself; I retain myself.
Or maybe this is emptying.



stream of consciousness sitting outside Plum in Wellington, 01.02.12, upside down in Footnote journal, in between the lines of "I am a creature"