slobbish gesture
down leg
lift up
money/hawty back bend
look
down to lying with leg tucked up
elbow says, "get away foot"
grab foot with hand and flop out
right leg in
draw around
princes feet with pointie toes
lift pelvis up and around 3/4
surreptitious toes with manky scratch and nose sniff/scratch
wind around to sitting princess/cross legged
discard, stand up
repeat beginning and actually dance it?
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
wellington
There are many beautiful people here in Wellington city. And they are all beautiful in a way that is unique to each other. I would like to stop a lot of people in the middle of the road - in the middle of their lives - and ask them questions which are inappropriate to ask strangers.
I guess this is one of the biggest issues I have in life. With life, I mean. I tried to express this conflict to strangers in early October of 2011 and hopefully some of them got it but doesn't make it any more O.K. to go up to someone on the street and shower them in compliments. (Though I would really, really like it if that happened to me.) You also brought this point up too, new almost-stranger, at Midnight on Sunday.
I guess this is one of the biggest issues I have in life. With life, I mean. I tried to express this conflict to strangers in early October of 2011 and hopefully some of them got it but doesn't make it any more O.K. to go up to someone on the street and shower them in compliments. (Though I would really, really like it if that happened to me.) You also brought this point up too, new almost-stranger, at Midnight on Sunday.
Monday, January 30, 2012
The life of de hard-working celery worker
The celery worker is often called into work late on a Sunday night, when he should be at home with his family, and has no choice but to go.
The celery worker might work more in one week but is still paid the same as any other week. The celery worker often has to do over time.
The celery worker is often physically and mentally stressed. He or she has to buy on-the-run meals rather than eat at home. These things often lead to spending even more money unnecessarily, but is unavoidable due to the celery worker's line of work. The celery worker's social connections and relationships are also compromised. Often he or she has poor cerebral health despite apparent intelligence and a loss of self-worth. The celery worker has so much potential yet has to sacrifice so much to reach the pinnacle of his or her success, and ultimately the pinnacle of his or her celery.
Often long hours of slaving over work leaves the celery worker feeling depleted, frustrated and inadequate. This is because - generally speaking - although celery is edible and to some extent hydrating, it is barely nutritious. Some people believe celery has negative calories, but this is actually false and has been scientifically disproved. Nothing has negative calories. Anyway, weight loss is good sometimes but not sustainable, and therefore you will eventually die from celery.
The celery worker might work more in one week but is still paid the same as any other week. The celery worker often has to do over time.
The celery worker is often physically and mentally stressed. He or she has to buy on-the-run meals rather than eat at home. These things often lead to spending even more money unnecessarily, but is unavoidable due to the celery worker's line of work. The celery worker's social connections and relationships are also compromised. Often he or she has poor cerebral health despite apparent intelligence and a loss of self-worth. The celery worker has so much potential yet has to sacrifice so much to reach the pinnacle of his or her success, and ultimately the pinnacle of his or her celery.
Often long hours of slaving over work leaves the celery worker feeling depleted, frustrated and inadequate. This is because - generally speaking - although celery is edible and to some extent hydrating, it is barely nutritious. Some people believe celery has negative calories, but this is actually false and has been scientifically disproved. Nothing has negative calories. Anyway, weight loss is good sometimes but not sustainable, and therefore you will eventually die from celery.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I see I see
When we talk about "quiet" in dance we are usually referring to how something looks - to be quiet in the body. Eliminating excess movement. Efficiency. Sensitivity and softness in the joints and in our contact with the floor.
My world is quite loud today. In a hearing sense, not a body sense. But because of my ears, my mind becomes restless too. I hope this doesn't eventually translate into my body as well.
Generally we associate distracted behaviour with a vacant mind, but I know of myself distraction is often a sign of an over-active or restlessly curious mind.
My world is quite loud today. In a hearing sense, not a body sense. But because of my ears, my mind becomes restless too. I hope this doesn't eventually translate into my body as well.
Generally we associate distracted behaviour with a vacant mind, but I know of myself distraction is often a sign of an over-active or restlessly curious mind.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
cable/car
People with too much money do ridiculous things like:
Large-scale sailing with small-scale nautical intelligence.
They get a ride on a little red shuttle up a semi-large hill.
"Ooh!"
"Ahh!"
These are the things a few of them say, but mostly they just stare, looking slightly bored (maybe we are a boring nation - sorry tourists).
People, such people, with too much money and not enough nautical skills, and who say "ooh!" occasionally but mostly are staring, also pass the time with such activities as:
Wandering casually/meandering around the botanic gardens with hiking sticks.
I'm talking large-scale, bought it from kathmandu hiking stick.
Who even packs a hiking stick when they go on a cruise anyway?
People coming to New Zealand, that's who. They are all bush men and ladies there, you see. Grass huts and tough terrain.
Large-scale sailing with small-scale nautical intelligence.
They get a ride on a little red shuttle up a semi-large hill.
"Ooh!"
"Ahh!"
These are the things a few of them say, but mostly they just stare, looking slightly bored (maybe we are a boring nation - sorry tourists).
People, such people, with too much money and not enough nautical skills, and who say "ooh!" occasionally but mostly are staring, also pass the time with such activities as:
Wandering casually/meandering around the botanic gardens with hiking sticks.
I'm talking large-scale, bought it from kathmandu hiking stick.
Who even packs a hiking stick when they go on a cruise anyway?
People coming to New Zealand, that's who. They are all bush men and ladies there, you see. Grass huts and tough terrain.
invited
What are we doing here?
What are we doing here?
Where are we all going?
There's no sense in this
but sense in this, only --
only we know how,
our exclusive code.
There is nothing and everything in it for us
everything given
for us
from us
but nothing in the sense of what
this world
knows or recognises.
It knows and recognises nothing.
So what are we? Without fault
yet doomed to failing
failing while finding
we will be the true manifestation of "for rich or for poor"
we are the only ones who know.
For this gain
we will sacrifice most else.
What are we doing here?
Where are we all going?
There's no sense in this
but sense in this, only --
only we know how,
our exclusive code.
There is nothing and everything in it for us
everything given
for us
from us
but nothing in the sense of what
this world
knows or recognises.
It knows and recognises nothing.
So what are we? Without fault
yet doomed to failing
failing while finding
we will be the true manifestation of "for rich or for poor"
we are the only ones who know.
For this gain
we will sacrifice most else.
Monday, January 23, 2012
4.5
At about 2:55am I woke up because a shiver had run through the house. More than just through the house actually, right through the valley. Thinking, I am at the top of a hill.
The huge window at the end of the room feels like the screen of some theme park simulator ride. The bed is the carriage. Facing forward. Face the front. See where you are going. For some reason they have only a thick metal bar to hold you in and there is plenty of space between you and the bar. If you were particularly small you could probably slip right out.
No-one wants to hear about it and especially not at 2:55am. You should really, probably just go back to sleep. It's nothing to worry about. The problems are further south. Not here.
The huge window at the end of the room feels like the screen of some theme park simulator ride. The bed is the carriage. Facing forward. Face the front. See where you are going. For some reason they have only a thick metal bar to hold you in and there is plenty of space between you and the bar. If you were particularly small you could probably slip right out.
No-one wants to hear about it and especially not at 2:55am. You should really, probably just go back to sleep. It's nothing to worry about. The problems are further south. Not here.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
"In the Second Place"
"From the first place of liquid darkness, within the second place of air and light, I set down the following record with its mixture of fact and truths and memories of truths and its direction always toward the Third Place, where the starting point is myth."
- Janet Frame, To The Is-land.
eleven speeches
1:
Thinking about how we are
re-converging
and that
it is nice. Very nice.
Thanks for warm arms,
friend.
2:
What would have happened if I had kept playing that game
invented by myself, purposeful to no-one
except my ego
(and ultimately not even that),
if I had stayed silent?
No.
I looked "out the window" a LOT
(but really, there was a nice view)
and I tried to breathe normally
and imagined saying,
"so.."
several times over.
I waited for the appropriate moment.
When you begin things, then you can
avoid talking about only yourself.
this is good.
3:
You have started this. Not
me. So please.
Maybe you can cook me a meatless meal --
no really, I believe you -- but
you see, that's not quite
enough.
Yes I like boats
but specific kinds of boats
just like specific kinds of people. We're
not ok. This is why I wander.
And fail at texting.
I'm sorry, but like I said,
You started this.
I resolved to not be apologetic where
apology is unnecessary.
And of course, "but" following "sorry"
makes the apology void, anyhow.
Sorry (sincerely - no 'but').
4:
It would have been nice to see you today.
I have been spending money I don't have
and time I invented.
I hope everything is ok.
5:
Is eco-friendly ok or will you think I'm pretentious?
6:
What is expected of me, from
you? I
would have liked to have joined, but
I already committed one act of bravery today.
Nerves can't do another.
Next weekend.
Thank you.
7:
Why do I get anxious about normal things?
Probably kill a
trillion trees
writing
large amounts
of
unnecessary lists.
LISTSSSSS
8:
I should be a head of this, not
others. I tell them, I told them, I say,
"No, that is not how it is."
And they - of course - convince me
otherwise.
Friends should not cause friends
to question themselves.
9:
You were in my dream last night.
You tried to feed me things, I think.
(See told you food plays an important role in my life.)
Feel like I can just casually stroll into your
house and it'll
All Be Okay.
10:
YOU.
What do you think?
Oh so curious.
I think the reason I often
tilt my head too far
back
is because
it is heavy with thoughts.
My teacher wrote,
"You need to lengthen your neck."
11:
Haven't felt angry at you for ages.
That was weird. I'm sure
you heard it. I adhere
always, so that's just me.
Like the island said, I
"accomodate".
I was accommodating to the situation at hand.
Thinking about how we are
re-converging
and that
it is nice. Very nice.
Thanks for warm arms,
friend.
2:
What would have happened if I had kept playing that game
invented by myself, purposeful to no-one
except my ego
(and ultimately not even that),
if I had stayed silent?
No.
I looked "out the window" a LOT
(but really, there was a nice view)
and I tried to breathe normally
and imagined saying,
"so.."
several times over.
I waited for the appropriate moment.
When you begin things, then you can
avoid talking about only yourself.
this is good.
3:
You have started this. Not
me. So please.
Maybe you can cook me a meatless meal --
no really, I believe you -- but
you see, that's not quite
enough.
Yes I like boats
but specific kinds of boats
just like specific kinds of people. We're
not ok. This is why I wander.
And fail at texting.
I'm sorry, but like I said,
You started this.
I resolved to not be apologetic where
apology is unnecessary.
And of course, "but" following "sorry"
makes the apology void, anyhow.
Sorry (sincerely - no 'but').
4:
It would have been nice to see you today.
I have been spending money I don't have
and time I invented.
I hope everything is ok.
5:
Is eco-friendly ok or will you think I'm pretentious?
6:
What is expected of me, from
you? I
would have liked to have joined, but
I already committed one act of bravery today.
Nerves can't do another.
Next weekend.
Thank you.
7:
Why do I get anxious about normal things?
Probably kill a
trillion trees
writing
large amounts
of
unnecessary lists.
LISTSSSSS
8:
I should be a head of this, not
others. I tell them, I told them, I say,
"No, that is not how it is."
And they - of course - convince me
otherwise.
Friends should not cause friends
to question themselves.
9:
You were in my dream last night.
You tried to feed me things, I think.
(See told you food plays an important role in my life.)
Feel like I can just casually stroll into your
house and it'll
All Be Okay.
10:
YOU.
What do you think?
Oh so curious.
I think the reason I often
tilt my head too far
back
is because
it is heavy with thoughts.
My teacher wrote,
"You need to lengthen your neck."
11:
Haven't felt angry at you for ages.
That was weird. I'm sure
you heard it. I adhere
always, so that's just me.
Like the island said, I
"accomodate".
I was accommodating to the situation at hand.
sicko
The last time I looked into the bathroom mirror of this house I was very very sick. I had been vomiting for about 3 days straight, including on a plane where I ate a free cracker but not the cheese it came with (I hoped the cracker would settle my stomach; was doubtful that the cheese would). Strangely, I suppose because I was eating almost nothing, my skin cleared up almost immediately after I became sick. This was probably about the nicest my skin has ever looked since I hit puberty: in early March of 2011. I didn't wear make-up the whole time I was in Wellington except for the actual day of Homegrown itself (the reason I was there).
For ages after the first day of vomiting I thought I was still sick. I couldn't eat anything. Mostly I drank ginger beer and water and attempted to eat a kumara salad but couldn't, craved coffee but knew it would fuckwivmee. Tried to drink some Momo tea with tapioca pearls but vomed it into a church garden (sorry Jesus).
Then I realised the chronic scrunching feeling in my stomach was actually HUNGER. Not nausea. I was insanely hungry (I had not really eaten for close to a week at this stage).
Food is important to me/my general state of happiness. My experience of that time in Wellington was considerably hindered by the fact that I could not enjoy good food. Tonight, when I arrived in Wellington, the first thing I did was go to the Four Square down the road and buy bread, avocado, tomato and hummus. And a very large bag of relatively small apples. Which feel unusually waxy.
This is not at all what I intended to write when I started out with this post.
For ages after the first day of vomiting I thought I was still sick. I couldn't eat anything. Mostly I drank ginger beer and water and attempted to eat a kumara salad but couldn't, craved coffee but knew it would fuckwivmee. Tried to drink some Momo tea with tapioca pearls but vomed it into a church garden (sorry Jesus).
Then I realised the chronic scrunching feeling in my stomach was actually HUNGER. Not nausea. I was insanely hungry (I had not really eaten for close to a week at this stage).
Food is important to me/my general state of happiness. My experience of that time in Wellington was considerably hindered by the fact that I could not enjoy good food. Tonight, when I arrived in Wellington, the first thing I did was go to the Four Square down the road and buy bread, avocado, tomato and hummus. And a very large bag of relatively small apples. Which feel unusually waxy.
This is not at all what I intended to write when I started out with this post.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
second to last
I have spaced myself
long-term
temporarily
out of
this world and
therefore
can be found at a different place from here,
more in it --
look up my address --
I have left my own head in
search of my own head
I have called for
help
from a silent
unknown source
I have solved nothing with
my relentless equations
and
know everything
more than everything
about ignorance.
long-term
temporarily
out of
this world and
therefore
can be found at a different place from here,
more in it --
look up my address --
I have left my own head in
search of my own head
I have called for
help
from a silent
unknown source
I have solved nothing with
my relentless equations
and
know everything
more than everything
about ignorance.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
problemo
I think one of the main problems is that I think I am smiling but actually my eyes are just doing this squinting thing and my mouth hasn't really moved and I am just thinking and feeling smiling on the inside. But outside nothing's going on really. At least not anything which is physically obvious. So maybe people think I am grumpy or bored or rude but no no no I am smiling, really. I just got reminded of this when I saw a photo of myself which I remember 'smiling' for. (Wasn't smiling.)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Little insector scratching away, your hairs are prickling my mucus protectant. You make me feel funny funny tummy flea. Whatyou doing in there? You cannot get bigger 'cause then I will get smaller. Scratch scratch little hairy legs. You won't find anything burrowing under that fleshy pink inside skin of mine.
jeaniella ataimihia black-dunlop
Two summers ago I was in Sydney and my friend Jeanie said to me, "You should publish your writing to a blog." So I did.
My blog documents most of the significant events of my life over the past two years and also small-but-still-essential feelings.
Today is Jeanie's birthday. Thanks Jeanie. Happy birthday.
My blog documents most of the significant events of my life over the past two years and also small-but-still-essential feelings.
Today is Jeanie's birthday. Thanks Jeanie. Happy birthday.
Common Everyday Situations Where I am Dancing:
1. Shaving my legs.
2. Sitting on the floor.
3. Picking something up off the floor.
4. Rolling over in bed.
5. Waking up.
6. Getting out of bed.
7. Giving someone a hug.
8. Standing at the sink.
9. Standing in a queue.
10. Getting a glass off the highest shelf.
11. Going for a run.
12. Walking in public esp. down busy street.
13. Being a passenger in a car.
2. Sitting on the floor.
3. Picking something up off the floor.
4. Rolling over in bed.
5. Waking up.
6. Getting out of bed.
7. Giving someone a hug.
8. Standing at the sink.
9. Standing in a queue.
10. Getting a glass off the highest shelf.
11. Going for a run.
12. Walking in public esp. down busy street.
13. Being a passenger in a car.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
room 526
1.
rydges with ridges
obstacles on the road (not only off)
changes & escapes
we cannot see the brilliant white streaks
running perpendicular to our lives
too far back
and behind the future
(or above it)
only whilst with wings do we wonder
before that, we ask only
dumb questions
2.
I'm high but not higher
highest still half-sphere away
city dreams & circuits
surest of simplicities
(or complexes, complexions & completions --
whichever way you look at it)
knowing whatever makes no sense: that is
the only way to gain
half trust with 3/4 doubt
so that I am more than a whole but still
lacking
3.
Ruthless restlessness, rife realty, reasoning really rates relative, riveting
Youth, you're yearning you youngster, yes
Definite dilemma, doll-faced & delirious, daring
Gauche & gargantuan, golly gosh, give genial guidance
Every entity emits elusive enigma,
So solace & silence, some say 'solitude'.
4.
We do not always or never lie
we only sometimes lie.*
5.
YES I will wear the glitter
and YES I will wear the tights
YES I will fuck things up
YES I will conjure madness
and YES I will negate
YES I will instigate trouble
preach and practise good will
YES I will say no to your wantings
and NO I won't tell you my address the first or fourth time you ask for it
I only speak "YES"
Yes.
6.
bring up the bare secrecy
unveil the birth
embody the most naked
savour the rawest flesh
welcome the ritual
taste the misdemeanour
rydges with ridges
obstacles on the road (not only off)
changes & escapes
we cannot see the brilliant white streaks
running perpendicular to our lives
too far back
and behind the future
(or above it)
only whilst with wings do we wonder
before that, we ask only
dumb questions
2.
I'm high but not higher
highest still half-sphere away
city dreams & circuits
surest of simplicities
(or complexes, complexions & completions --
whichever way you look at it)
knowing whatever makes no sense: that is
the only way to gain
half trust with 3/4 doubt
so that I am more than a whole but still
lacking
3.
Ruthless restlessness, rife realty, reasoning really rates relative, riveting
Youth, you're yearning you youngster, yes
Definite dilemma, doll-faced & delirious, daring
Gauche & gargantuan, golly gosh, give genial guidance
Every entity emits elusive enigma,
So solace & silence, some say 'solitude'.
4.
We do not always or never lie
we only sometimes lie.*
5.
YES I will wear the glitter
and YES I will wear the tights
YES I will fuck things up
YES I will conjure madness
and YES I will negate
YES I will instigate trouble
preach and practise good will
YES I will say no to your wantings
and NO I won't tell you my address the first or fourth time you ask for it
I only speak "YES"
Yes.
6.
bring up the bare secrecy
unveil the birth
embody the most naked
savour the rawest flesh
welcome the ritual
taste the misdemeanour
7.
I would cause large-scale
TROUBLE
"except"
I am much too good.
*Thought sparked by a line in Jonathon Safran Foer's book, Eating Animals.
ludicrous
Closet creatures mimic speeches; dear laughter and play. This could be a same and for such relief. (36/9, I believe, if stories are true.) Give me shit and I'll give it right back to you. I am most in myself and most in you. Black skinny jean twins -- I was not lying when I said, "You are great".
Saturday, January 7, 2012
fridge poem
Made from fridge magnet words Thursday night(/Friday morning?).
from there
to us
be alarmed
don't welcome this way
lie awake
crossfire bustle
seen nothing
the night
blind light
exit
away
that's now
don't look
hello forever
from there
to us
be alarmed
don't welcome this way
lie awake
crossfire bustle
seen nothing
the night
blind light
exit
away
that's now
don't look
hello forever
Thursday, January 5, 2012
snake hill, no exit
Singled out, I was
I don't even remember how we met --
something like, "let's
go for a walk"
but
why did we do that in the first place?
since and sense
since we weren't sensible
since learning of new acquaintances
since I have no regrets bar that October
consequent November
I'll keep my eye cautious
Too cautious, I was
and not
cautious enough, I was
making the wrong decision doing what was right
you are the original jump theory
the constant between us equal to what is between us now, after
I just remember your back
upper back slightly out of the covers
also trying to work out your shower
(semi-unsuccessfully)
since there was no way in or out
of you, or the situation
no way in to me
(I planned that though, with
you in mind
and not myself), since
July had found me new confrontations
which, like you, reappear from time to time
(on television adverts, mostly -- not like you
(this is New Zealand after all
we are small))
I am small.
Though now I am big compared to then
Now I am what you were, then
having spent three summers growing, now I am
Twenty
two-and-zero
Now I am the me I sought in you
finally, after, without you
clean possibility
only
slightly and well tainted.
I don't even remember how we met --
something like, "let's
go for a walk"
but
why did we do that in the first place?
since and sense
since we weren't sensible
since learning of new acquaintances
since I have no regrets bar that October
consequent November
I'll keep my eye cautious
Too cautious, I was
and not
cautious enough, I was
making the wrong decision doing what was right
you are the original jump theory
the constant between us equal to what is between us now, after
I just remember your back
upper back slightly out of the covers
also trying to work out your shower
(semi-unsuccessfully)
since there was no way in or out
of you, or the situation
no way in to me
(I planned that though, with
you in mind
and not myself), since
July had found me new confrontations
which, like you, reappear from time to time
(on television adverts, mostly -- not like you
(this is New Zealand after all
we are small))
I am small.
Though now I am big compared to then
Now I am what you were, then
having spent three summers growing, now I am
Twenty
two-and-zero
Now I am the me I sought in you
finally, after, without you
clean possibility
only
slightly and well tainted.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
best before
Take me back to my mud land.
I will offer you only my closed eyes.
I will hear the heat and see the outsides in you
I cannot remember what I promised.
You are almost-notquite what I am after.
What am I after?
You are well enough and sharp enough
and I'll be back four times more
except for when I sleep
Starry blue blanket
what are you/who?
You have been in the field with me
Shielding the darker of us
one and two
her and him
You can come camping too
You can lie above me on the front seat
We can get cold in the back together
Rain down starry over-flooded joy
gravel between my toes and testing my skin
Go away field
we like the mud lands better
Pride
(my worst)
You don't need any sleep.
Do you know what you are capable of?
I know what your bodies can do
I have seen it
I have seen it a-/part
I am you and you are
All Me.
So twelve-and-a
half thousand
people walk into a bar
and say, "Do you have to open it?"
"Can you pour a bit more vodka in?"
"There are no pies here," say I
"donate to the suicidal dinosaur, Please"
well -- it worked.
all 118.20 were saved
endangered species, those small gold gems.
(2 on the floor)
And don't I know it.
That rotten smell of bodies is still with me
sitting in my nasal cavities
and if I could be this unclean, I'd trade places
You would have judged me if you'd known me
Goodbye.
I will offer you only my closed eyes.
I will hear the heat and see the outsides in you
I cannot remember what I promised.
You are almost-notquite what I am after.
What am I after?
You are well enough and sharp enough
and I'll be back four times more
except for when I sleep
Starry blue blanket
what are you/who?
You have been in the field with me
Shielding the darker of us
one and two
her and him
You can come camping too
You can lie above me on the front seat
We can get cold in the back together
Rain down starry over-flooded joy
gravel between my toes and testing my skin
Go away field
we like the mud lands better
Pride
(my worst)
You don't need any sleep.
Do you know what you are capable of?
I know what your bodies can do
I have seen it
I have seen it a-/part
I am you and you are
All Me.
So twelve-and-a
half thousand
people walk into a bar
and say, "Do you have to open it?"
"Can you pour a bit more vodka in?"
"There are no pies here," say I
"donate to the suicidal dinosaur, Please"
well -- it worked.
all 118.20 were saved
endangered species, those small gold gems.
(2 on the floor)
And don't I know it.
That rotten smell of bodies is still with me
sitting in my nasal cavities
and if I could be this unclean, I'd trade places
You would have judged me if you'd known me
Goodbye.
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