duets

A stranger sight tonight. Staring into a mirror which did not return my reflection. It just showed what was behind me. Didn’t realise I was that transparent. Have to question my own existence.

Two hands. Your survival rate is higher if one hand holds your own throat while your second hand holds the throat of another. A hand on your own throat for emergency exit (in case of crisis). A hand on another’s throat so you aren’t reckless with your first hand. Their hand on your throat to encourage caution. And a sense of urgency. Survival instincts kick in better if it is not your own hand after you.

Wanted: a free hand. I could reposition the mirror to see myself and block out the view behind me. I would sit in the mirror and look at my reflection properly.

Sitting in puddles
Someone lights a cigarette
I don’t move away

I will grow myself a third hand. For the mirror - not for another throat. Two throats is already too many throats.

It is more than two really if I look into that backwards mirror. There have been a few other throats under my hands. Unsure as to whether I let them go or held onto them too tightly. Some days I just realised my hand was clutching air. Maybe I strangled a few throats. Which proves my theory about the survival rate. As in, I have survived.

Also some hands let go of me. Not to make space for other throats but to take both hands to their own throat. Extra safe emergency escape. Fail-proof.

I knew.

I am guilty of:
apathy,
compliance,
indecision,
narcissism,
hope.