'love'

Of course
there's some
sad irony
in the fact that I feel small

but then
when I see you
wondering
at your
semi-neighbour's door
excited for something
(though you don't 
feel excited
- about anything -
anymore)
I know that in fact
I am tall
the tallest I will ever be, in my youth,

tall like only those
before the post-teen barrier
who have already surpassed me
and know without superiority
that they have long surpassed me
and this wants for keeping and
holding
etcetera

like all my thoughts that are of myself at 18, 19
that have jumped ahead of me,
through my fingertips
right now ('15)
and are holding the 'successful' 30-yr old me
to ransom
(I can feel myself shaking in fear, laughter
or maybe
it's just
vindictiveness)

so right to say
"it's as if everything changes"
and so right to say
- as I did -
"I wish".