conspicuous

can't do the usual 

exit trick

on crutches 

even in Pirongia

The whole world is 

holding on -

not to ideas

  or each other

 or hope

    or knowledge

   or life, but to

Smart Phones. 

Wednesday evening

my sister says

the rain unfolding like

comet showers over her windscreen 

is wasted beauty 

I said,
"I'm going to clamber over you now."
and you, in your practicality:
sat up
leaned forward, and
made a small gap through which I could pass.

encoding

I promise, that little bottle 

was unlocked 

by the pharmacist

I didn't do it

The warning laid fixed to my mouth 

tasting that parasite

becoming my tongue...

At best, I am not very social --

least without legs

But I am no introvert, either

I am quite simply,

"solitary-chaotic."

(In the background: The rain 

and associated sounds.)

I'm jumbling and don't care

words, head, cells; no

Order/sense, nonsensical

I think I feel some 

mellow high, as prescribed, but

I could just be doing the same as

paranormal movies

It's amazing what 30mg 

can do to 63kg 

how? Because: 

comparisons 

are incomparable. 

scaling

There is a man on the roof of the house across the road. He is allowed to be up there on the roof because he is a Tradie.

I am not allowed to climb around the parts of buildings that are not intended for holding humans (rooftops, balcony rails, kitchen benches, etcetera) because I am an Ordinary Person. Especially if I am drunk, because that is considered Dangerous and I might do something Unexpected and Irrational, like Plummeting to my Death. 

I met someone on Monday who did that -- without the death part, though. But he was drunk and Dangerously fell off a balcony, and now he has metal bits inside him which are not his and weren't there before. He told me he fell fourteen storeys, but I think that was a lie. Because he was alive and in front of me, and surely if you fell fourteen storeys -- even if you were a cat -- you'd be dead. Maybe I should Google-check that fact.

waking to words

in that instant of conscious shift

   your

dialogue is already 

circular 

through me

at the end, this holds me up

early, it holds me in

at earliest, it holds here

sometimes it holds me out

regardless,

I love it. 

but --

    Sometimes with anxiety 

order

open notebook

sit, think

sip tea quietly, several times, quickly

one-two-three-four...

sit

think

sip tea

think.

Place fingertips lightly across jawline and 

stare

out into the street 

stare, sit, think

Shut notebook.

pick up novel

Open.

stare at novel.

Put down novel

pick up notebook

Open

write.

God, or "God"

I think God is in us. The thing which we refer to as "God", I mean. God is people. God is in people. "God" is connection with yourself, connection with other people. God is connection with this world and a sense of something beyond this world.

majesty

looking at you

thinking: 

you know things.

there is no capacity in me for multi-tasking

diversion / distraction

when your words are hovering out across the floorboards 

bus stop

A stranger planted a kiss on my cheek today. The kiss's roots bore down into my face, through the flesh of my cheeks. Inflamed my pores. The roots wrapped themselves across my gums and between my teeth. My tongue sat calmly in the centre of my mouth, careful not to touch the root-tentacles. My whole body felt still and quiet: in control of the situation despite the situation being strange and unexpected. Maybe it was shock, too. I felt safe in a pitying kind of way. I remembered that I am a girl. I did not resent it, but I knew it. Knowing I was a girl made me feel despondent, and empowered; and I felt both of these things in a passive way.

"That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen." 

-Women, Bukowski.

I can't tell the difference between discipline and fear.

I'm not present anywhere

and especially not in the present

I have been before

I'm in the after

I'm in the other

I'm not anywhere

I'm in perpetual isolation

by choice or by circumstance

by choosing circumstance 

I'm not present 

anywhere

By choice

I'm not anywhere 

I'm in the other 

I'm in the after

I'm not present anywhere

and especially not here.